Pretty much sums up my life.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Fifteen minutes with Dementium: The Ward
I will now replay this game for fifteen minutes straight, and then write a review.
Well, I guess ten minutes is good enough. I went to look at my file, and I had 1:06 on it. I paid 14.99 for this game and I logged an hour and six minutes into it. Perhaps this game was the reason I had to wipe dust off of my DS. Replaying this game let me review it a little more accurately, and when it comes down to it...this game doesn't need much to let you know it smells of shit.
This game is as the box art implies," A mix between Doom and Silent Hill!" Yeah, well, maybe if the two reproduced while having an orgy with Marilyn Manson and a horse with clown makeup. I feel like the best way to describe this game is if Doom and Silent Hill knocked boots and enjoyed raising a retarded baby while living on skid row. All the while, they're recording the sounds their SPED baby makes and taking ecstacy and recording all this bullshit just to get a feel for the video game they're about to make. Then, they pitched the idea to Gamecock who was like," Sure, our name is shitty enough to where no one will buy anything we make, so what the fuck, why not?"
But the thing is, gamecock just polished up the graphics, but left the sound of the retarded, clove chugging baby in the game. And guess what!? That fucking sound is the sound for EVERYTHING. See a zombie? Retarded baby! See a creepy clown? Retarded baby! See a retarded baby? Retarded baby!
I love the mentally challenged, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that they should stay out of videogames in general. By putting a baby into the mix of things, Gamecock just encourages other developers to compete with their raunchy pile of shit, and to try to bring more hellishly bad videogames into this world. And frankly, I don't want to waste my time with that kind of bullshit.
With this game, I felt like I was constantly checking the map. Constantly. But...guess what? There is no map. Nope. No map. Not unless you find a map in the hundreds of corridors that look exactly alike. Seriously. This game is so repetitive that I almost considered coinhabiting my time with a little subtle masturbation thrown into the mix. You know, just to spice it up a little. Fortunately, I'm far too classy to give in to such a necessity. The horror element in this game involves you try to aim a small crosshair with the stylus at some dumbass flying clown head, all the while your speakers sound like they're about to implode out the ass. The shotgun in this game has zero spread, and unless your fucking surgical with that bitch, you aren't going to hit the little baby things that crawl on the wall and spit out green kool-aid at you.
This is probably one of the most ass backwards game I have played in years. I recommend this game to no one. However, there is one perk that makes things a little more satisfying...
I had to edit the image quite a bit, but you get the idea...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
28 Days.
What the fuck?
For starters, this movie has nothing to do with the survival-horror movie 28 Days Later, which I felt sucked both of my testicles with equal suction. This movie stars Sandra Bullock as a drunkard and a pill addict, and she wrecks a limousine into a house, and is forced to spend 28 days in a correctional facility. While there, she struggles with the withdraws she faces, as well as living in a new environment with other people with equally self-destructive behaviors.
Now, don't let the finesse of that description fool you. I did not choose to watch this movie, and instead watched it during health class for our study on addiction. The movie starts you out knowing nothing about that character of Sandra Bullock aside from the fact that she is a ridiculously ignorant and dumb drunk. Her boyfriend is equally as ridiculous, and she comes off as a total bitch.
I remembered Bullock from somewhere (Miss Congeniality), but couldn't really put a finger on it. Frankly, I hate her as far as acting goes. How she scores lead roles is beyond me, but as far as I was concerned it was beyond the point. It took three class periods to watch this, and during the opening credits I saw that Steve Buscemi was in it, so I had some hope.
This movie was utter shit. The impact of drugs and addiction on this woman's life wasn't even emotional at all, and the turmoil of her sweetheart of a roommate had more of an impact on me than the FUCKING MAIN CHARACTER, who I'm supposed to be able to sympathize with and feel sorry for. The evolution of her addiction is characterized through a series of flashback scenes, and this was easily the most poor of all choices. I'm all for being a little artsy in your shots, but the camerawork of the flashbacks were fuzzy and hazy, with a strange audio difference that made sure you knew that you were back in the past. But frankly, this was total bullshit and I felt that it was completely unnecessary and a filler that could've been cut out to give this movie a REAL ending, which I'll be sure to bitch about in the near future.
Steve Buscemi's character was a counselor who once struggled with addiction himself, and despite a single monologue I felt that they didn't utilize the capacity of an actor that they had, and pretty much wasted the ounce of talent they had. The only character I enjoyed in this movie was a homosexual male who partakes in Bullock's group therapy sessions, and is one of the few people she befriends. The actor who played this man was Alan Tudyk, the same man who played Steve the Pirate in the movie Dodgeball.
I laughed outloud twice at this movie, and one of the two times no one laughed but me. Apparently the mixture of dark humor into the mix didn't appeal to the rest of my classmates, but that's perfectly okay. This movie was an absolute failure at whatever it tried to do. When trying to scare someone straight or teach them a moral lesson about the dangers of addiction, no director or screenplay will ever be able to top Requiem for a Dream, but that's the kind of movie that I feel should only be exposed to a certain demographic of people, and that demographic doesn't include my health class.
The ending of this movie tied up very few loose ends, and further proved that many of the characters involved were involved simply to provide further insight into Bullock's character (and failed), or to provide some sense of comic relief, or to give an extra a line or two. They had very little depth, and the one character who potentially becomes Bullock's next love interest is left in the dust. I can understand how it might show the progression of her character by leaving him behind (because he gives into the temptations of his addictions), but the very assumption that the writers of this movie would be so intelligent as to make that connection is slim to none. The delivery and tone of this movie was completely awful, and I can't recommend it to anyone.
Also, in regards to the "two thumbs up" given on the front cover of the case, this movie gets a "two thumbs in my eyes, and my cock across Sandra Bullock's face" from me. She should've just ended her career with Speed 2 and done the world a favor.
Now, don't let the finesse of that description fool you. I did not choose to watch this movie, and instead watched it during health class for our study on addiction. The movie starts you out knowing nothing about that character of Sandra Bullock aside from the fact that she is a ridiculously ignorant and dumb drunk. Her boyfriend is equally as ridiculous, and she comes off as a total bitch.
I remembered Bullock from somewhere (Miss Congeniality), but couldn't really put a finger on it. Frankly, I hate her as far as acting goes. How she scores lead roles is beyond me, but as far as I was concerned it was beyond the point. It took three class periods to watch this, and during the opening credits I saw that Steve Buscemi was in it, so I had some hope.
This movie was utter shit. The impact of drugs and addiction on this woman's life wasn't even emotional at all, and the turmoil of her sweetheart of a roommate had more of an impact on me than the FUCKING MAIN CHARACTER, who I'm supposed to be able to sympathize with and feel sorry for. The evolution of her addiction is characterized through a series of flashback scenes, and this was easily the most poor of all choices. I'm all for being a little artsy in your shots, but the camerawork of the flashbacks were fuzzy and hazy, with a strange audio difference that made sure you knew that you were back in the past. But frankly, this was total bullshit and I felt that it was completely unnecessary and a filler that could've been cut out to give this movie a REAL ending, which I'll be sure to bitch about in the near future.
Steve Buscemi's character was a counselor who once struggled with addiction himself, and despite a single monologue I felt that they didn't utilize the capacity of an actor that they had, and pretty much wasted the ounce of talent they had. The only character I enjoyed in this movie was a homosexual male who partakes in Bullock's group therapy sessions, and is one of the few people she befriends. The actor who played this man was Alan Tudyk, the same man who played Steve the Pirate in the movie Dodgeball.
I laughed outloud twice at this movie, and one of the two times no one laughed but me. Apparently the mixture of dark humor into the mix didn't appeal to the rest of my classmates, but that's perfectly okay. This movie was an absolute failure at whatever it tried to do. When trying to scare someone straight or teach them a moral lesson about the dangers of addiction, no director or screenplay will ever be able to top Requiem for a Dream, but that's the kind of movie that I feel should only be exposed to a certain demographic of people, and that demographic doesn't include my health class.
The ending of this movie tied up very few loose ends, and further proved that many of the characters involved were involved simply to provide further insight into Bullock's character (and failed), or to provide some sense of comic relief, or to give an extra a line or two. They had very little depth, and the one character who potentially becomes Bullock's next love interest is left in the dust. I can understand how it might show the progression of her character by leaving him behind (because he gives into the temptations of his addictions), but the very assumption that the writers of this movie would be so intelligent as to make that connection is slim to none. The delivery and tone of this movie was completely awful, and I can't recommend it to anyone.
Also, in regards to the "two thumbs up" given on the front cover of the case, this movie gets a "two thumbs in my eyes, and my cock across Sandra Bullock's face" from me. She should've just ended her career with Speed 2 and done the world a favor.
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