Fifteen minutes with Dementium: The Ward

I will now replay this game for fifteen minutes straight, and then write a review.

Well, I guess ten minutes is good enough. I went to look at my file, and I had 1:06 on it. I paid 14.99 for this game and I logged an hour and six minutes into it. Perhaps this game was the reason I had to wipe dust off of my DS. Replaying this game let me review it a little more accurately, and when it comes down to it...this game doesn't need much to let you know it smells of shit.

This game is as the box art implies," A mix between Doom and Silent Hill!" Yeah, well, maybe if the two reproduced while having an orgy with Marilyn Manson and a horse with clown makeup. I feel like the best way to describe this game is if Doom and Silent Hill knocked boots and enjoyed raising a retarded baby while living on skid row. All the while, they're recording the sounds their SPED baby makes and taking ecstacy and recording all this bullshit just to get a feel for the video game they're about to make. Then, they pitched the idea to Gamecock who was like," Sure, our name is shitty enough to where no one will buy anything we make, so what the fuck, why not?"

But the thing is, gamecock just polished up the graphics, but left the sound of the retarded, clove chugging baby in the game. And guess what!? That fucking sound is the sound for EVERYTHING. See a zombie? Retarded baby! See a creepy clown? Retarded baby! See a retarded baby? Retarded baby!

I love the mentally challenged, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that they should stay out of videogames in general. By putting a baby into the mix of things, Gamecock just encourages other developers to compete with their raunchy pile of shit, and to try to bring more hellishly bad videogames into this world. And frankly, I don't want to waste my time with that kind of bullshit.

With this game, I felt like I was constantly checking the map. Constantly. But...guess what? There is no map. Nope. No map. Not unless you find a map in the hundreds of corridors that look exactly alike. Seriously. This game is so repetitive that I almost considered coinhabiting my time with a little subtle masturbation thrown into the mix. You know, just to spice it up a little. Fortunately, I'm far too classy to give in to such a necessity. The horror element in this game involves you try to aim a small crosshair with the stylus at some dumbass flying clown head, all the while your speakers sound like they're about to implode out the ass. The shotgun in this game has zero spread, and unless your fucking surgical with that bitch, you aren't going to hit the little baby things that crawl on the wall and spit out green kool-aid at you.

This is probably one of the most ass backwards game I have played in years. I recommend this game to no one. However, there is one perk that makes things a little more satisfying...

I had to edit the image quite a bit, but you get the idea...