I love Microsoft Zune.

When faced with the decision of which MP3 player to purchase, what do most people think of? Whatever it is you just said, if it isn't "an iPod" you're FUCKING WRONG. Long ago, I wanted an MP3 player. I chose a Zen from Creative Labs. I then realized that my default syncing program was Windows Media Player. It occurred to me later in like that, Hey, I am better than Windows Media Player, and I need to upgrade.

An upgrade came on my birthday, a mere seven or eight months ago (Math is to conform), and it took me quite some time to come to a decision as of what to buy. I had looked around for weeks, narrowing down my options. I wanted one that would provide me with a software program, and the obvious choice was an iPod.

But why? I had been in the Apple store in Louisville, and I had seen the people in there, and the people who worked there. Let me tell you, they were tools. Figuratively, Apple is a huge cock. It's so big, that every Apple employee around the world can suck on this figurative cock. I weighed my options, and I thought to myself," Would I want to be employed by Apple?"

This took me a while to answer. I never had struggled with my sexual orientation until now, and during this time I had been single for quite some time. However, I had never been attracted to the same sex, so surely I was not a homosexual, and therefore I surely could not suck a cock.

On my birthday, I was able to enjoy my 80gb Zune. The software was so incredible that I had to upgrade to a better computer to handle all the awesome. I pay 14.99 a month to get whatever music I want. I feel as though I have made a several thousand dollar profit with this, and I remain legal and remain a small risk to the FBI. Also, when you think of a Microsoft Zune user, what do you think of?

Someone cool, right? Right.

Also, when you think of a Apple iPod user, what do you think of?

Someone less cool, right? Right.

I don't know; You do the math. I really can't argue with myself here. I have had problems with Microsoft as a whole, but the Zune is always flawless for me. If someone walked up to me and said," Would you like a free iPod?" I would say," Yes."

But if someone walked up to me and said," Would you like a free Zune?" I would say," No thanks, I already have one. You shouldn't give away such great products for free, you twat."

I don't know; You do the math.

So awesome that it covers up my entire face.

I don't care how fucking American fried chicken is.

Yesterday I attended a funeral, and following the sermon I left to eat an early dinner at a Church. I sat around drinking coffee and talking to some relatives and friends of the newly deceased man, and whenever the family returned from the burial site, the Pastor that was present ( who was Baptist), promptly blessed the food, saying that it should," Give us strength to move on from this grief," whenever he stated earlier that the only way to overcome this loss was through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and not through fried fucking chicken.

Now, at the time I didn't think twice about this. I'm a very, very big fan of blessed food, as more often than not it is free, and above average in the tastefulness property. I feasted, and so did many others. I went to bed that night with a spinning head, faded vision, and vomit lingering in my throat. I honestly thought that I was going to hurl.

I was also exhausted, as the day took a whole lot out of me. I slept unsoundly, sometimes waking up and feeling even more sick. It's 8pm now, and I still feel as shitty as ever, and my dad is playing the same goddamn Elvis Costello songs again and again. It's been months and he still has not realized that Elvis Costello & The Attractions are the only thing worth listening to.

I am not sure how I am going to recover from this, but the air feels exceptionally hot, and my stomach keeps growing weaker and weaker. Why would God lash out upon me like this? Why would blessed food make me, a devout Agnostic, so weak? Is the Christian God so loving that he plagued me with such a burden?

I went to the funeral yesterday out of the kindness of my heart, and I feel that my presence was very appreciated. I deserved that food, blessed or not. So, God, if you're up there...Thanks for being a heartless bastard.

I don't just steal USB drives.

I steal Evangelical Christian USB Drives.

As I said earlier, I am active in my school's drama department. Which means I'm an actor, and not a goddamn rumor-spreading cunt. I spend a whole lot of time in the auditorium texting and sleeping in between the aisles. I'm a very talented actor, but with a class like that you're expected to have a lot of down time, and I literally have a lot of time where I am down on the ground. Asleep.

Amidst one of my naps I found a PNY 1Gb USB drive. And since I'm using this blog to primarily review things and tell about experiences in my life, I felt like this piece of shit needed to be talked about. I'm generally a nice person, and if I felt that the person who previously owned the USB drive needed it to be returned, I would have returned it to them. So, I check their files to see who it is.

The owner of the USB drive was a boy named Christian, and he was a fucking tool. On the drive I found various essay he had wrote where he cited God as his source, and often times quoted the bible to back up his claims. He also had a bible reading guide, which was ridiculous. Currently I am researching and studying homosexuality for a discussion I have to partake in for my English class, so I decided to read his essay seeing as how it was from the point of view of an Evangelical Christian boy.

It was trash. Complete trash. Obviously "Christian" has been corrupted by his faith, or was a douchebag Catholic. I was in dire need of a USB drive, so I just left his bullshit on there and began using it for my own. In the event that I would come face to face with Christian, I told myself that I would no doubt return his USB drive to him, but under no other circumstances would I return it.

I began using the USB drive on my laptop (which I will talk extensively about at a later date) and grew bored. Citing articles for research isn't my favorite thing to do, albeit I am quote proficient at it. So, I fell asleep. During this slumber I stretched out past the USB drive, and it ended up under my thigh. The shit plastic cracked under my weight ( I barely weight 115 pounds. I'm skinny.) and now the USB is crooked. I have to push it upwards for my PC to recognize it, and it's the same case for the bullshit HP computers at my school, which are undoubtfully the worst HP products I have ever used.

The name of the USB is "SWEET MEAT" which makes me think of a phallus dipped in honey, and as such gives me prolonged graphic mental images each and every time I plug it in. I put several hours of research and time into several specific files, and saved them on this SWEET MEAT USB drive.

I took these files into school to get my shit printed off, and it messed up. So, I had to take my information to dear Mrs. Compton, who I am good friends with and respect, unlike many other students. I was beyond embarassed to tell her the name of the USB drive, and explained to her that I was looking to return it to it's rightful owner. To make the story short, she probably thinks I'm a weirdo Christian boy, and that my nickname is SWEET MEAT because of all the head I get. Which is entirely untrue. If I was even remotely sexually active, I would not be writing this right now. Trust me.

I was unable to partake in the discussion today because of this piece of shit USB drive, and because of the technical difficulties that come along with Microsoft Office and their inability to install a converted with the program. So now I have to go a speech by myself in front of the class.

So, Christian, why don't you go fuck yourself and buy a man's USB.

The Unborn Sucks.

Tonight my date forced me to see The Unborn. I say forced because I feel I am too superior of a person to watch such an immature and feeble movie. I have more faith in the girl I'm dating than to pick such an awful movie, so of course I know she did it to hear me complain. She says it's cute.

Whatever.

This movie began, and I thought I had missed a part of it. It just started. It took me in by the balls, and forced me to assume things that were incorrect because I am far too intelligent to watch this movie. The lead actor in this movie, Odette Yustman, is such a phenomenal actor that she doesn't have an image on IMDb.

There were many shots early on of her in her panties, and it was like they wanted you to think you had paid six dollars for a video of Camel Toe Weekly, but unfortunately this wasn't the case. Since this is very early on in my blogging career, I'll take this moment to tell you that I'm active in my school's theatre, and I feel that I am a slightly above average actor, and a natural at improvisation. So when I feel that an actor isn't better than myself, I pity them.

I pity Odette Yustman. If she didn't have a rocking body then I wouldn't care for her at all. In fact, neither would America. But hey, I was there with a date. A girl I'm very interested in. If I were alone, I would not have chose to see this movie in the first place. But I was there with someone I was attracted to. I did not need Odette Yustman, and therefore her softcore nudity did nothing for me. Nothing at all.

I generally consider myself to be a stoic person, and as such I rarely am frightened or startled by a movie. I kept making sure not to jump, because I wanted to be a badass and impress my date, but in all honesty I never did need to. The scares were predictable and fake. Very fake. High School theatre class fake. The movie had holocaust undertones that were completely unnecessary and cliche, while giving some insight as to why the main character was Jewish.

I thought a Jewish exorcism would have been badass, but I was disappointed. I'm not sure how uncommon it is to be more interested in looking at your date's face as opposed to a high-budget blockbuster movie, but everyone else seemed to be enjoying it.

Bottom line is that this movie was garbage. It did not make me convey a single emotion (other than pity), and the whole time I was complaining and enjoying the numbness of my ass. When seeing a movie in the theater, the experience is often very beneficial to how much of a movie appeals to me, as was the case with the film Quarantine. But...whenever the experience of being at the theater is the ONLY thing appealing about a film...it just doesn't deserve to be called a film.

Oh, and both black characters die. RACISM.

I am vulgar.

I've been writing on the internet for quite some time. I've tried my fair share of articles and reviews, and almost every single one has been denied. Why is this, you might ask? Simply put, I am not a nice, loving person. When it comes to my motivation for writing, it is usually to relax, or to bash the fuck out of a specific product. When choosing to review something, I never really care to tell someone how good it is, because if something truly is amazing, then people will find out. I have tried several times to warn consumers about the quality of the shitty products they might buy, but each time I have been denied.

And this makes me angry. In this blog, you will find many rants. You will find many reviews of movies, video games, books, and music. At this point in time I won't be taking requests, and will instead be casually talking about things that I am currently interested in. Thankfully, I am currently dating a girl who likes to drag me to horrendously bad movies, so a glimpse of my hatred will be experienced weekly at a minimum.

Don't expect orthodoxy. This will be anything but.