The Hangover

Homosexuality in the form of three "best friends."

In all actuality, the movie does not display any form of homosexuality as far as I was concerned. The Hangover stars three relatively small-time television actors, the most notable one (in my case) being Ed Helms who plays Andy on The Office. The movie tells of three groomsmen who take their buddy to Las Vegas for his bachelor party before his marriage. They get shmammered and forget everything that went on the night before, and lose the most important of their friends.

They go on an epic adventure the next day to uncover the events that happened the night before, using clues to retrace their steps and find out just what the fuck happened the night before. If you have seen the trailer for this film, then you probably know that it has the potential to be quite hilarious.

It's these random-ass type of comedies that you really have to have the right mindset for before seeing them. If you're in the mood for a drama, then watch a drama. Want a horror movie? Watch a horror movie. This movie can only be fully appreciated if you're a good mood, and with someone who you can laugh with, and laugh HARD with.

This movie employs a finely tuned method of shock-and-awe comedy, where you never know what is going to happen next, and you never know where the story is going to take you. The characters seem just as shocked as the viewer, and they react appropriately to just about everything that happens in the movie. Often times, they simply freak the fuck out which results in massive hilarity.

The movie has several loopholes and isn't pieced together quite as well as it could have been. The script is solid and they definitely force a few transitions, but it's all in good fun. It's just very important to have the correct mindset when viewing this movie, or else you are going to nitpick and notice some errors. The beauty of this movie comes with the ride of it. It feels like you're on a rollercoaster ride of hilarious proportions, and undiscovering the plot with the main characters is a fucking blast.

All three actors don't stand out too well on their own (aside from Ed Helms, who rules), and that's actually a good thing. This movie would be completely different if some well-known actor was up there leading the show, but that's not the case. Bradley Cooper tries to exercise some leadership throughout the film, but the movie is just too fucking crazy for him to hold it together.

Bottom line is: If you haven't seen this movie, and you're a fan of crazy as hell comedies, then I completely recommend this. I've described this movie before as," Dude Where's My Car? on steroids," and that's the best way for me to describe it. Only you don't have that prick Ashton Kutcher to stare at the entire time.

Once

I'm back.

Movies have been slow in my life lately. I deem many of them unreviewable since a review about them would be unfunny. But, I feel that my passion for film should be good enough for anyone who reads this blog to actually watch the things I recommend or do not recommend. All humor aside, I love film and cinematography in general, and I feel like I appreciate it more than I do my peers, and as such I look at it a little differently.

So, I'm going to stop being picky about things and review almost everything I watch, whether I love it or hate it. People here to laugh will probably get that, but I feel that I'm being unfair to people who read this blog to gain information about movies, so I'm going to change that.

Last weekend my girlfriend and I decided to take a nap as to get away from my family and enjoy some privacy. In order to make it seem like we weren't doing it, I put in a DVD. My collection is incredibly jumbled at the moment and I managed to find the movie Once. I bought it with the full intention of watching it some years ago, but due to some personal conflicts I never cared to watch the movie.

I figured, " Well, we can have some nice music, and maybe this guy and girl can help sing us to sleep." In all actuality, it did the opposite of that. The film is about real life singer-songwriter Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (which isn't spelled correctly, but a google search will come up with her) and their struggles as musicians. Hansard plays music on the street for pety cash, and Irglova, and immigrant becomes smitten with his sound and eventually invites him to listen to her play piano.

They sing a impromptu song together, and Hansard believes that she might help him jumpstart his career. The two share a romantic bond, and record a demo together near the end of the movie. Hansard is still upset over the loss of one of his ex-girlfriends, and is convinced that he should travel to London to promote the demo tape, and win back his old girlfriend.

I've got a thing for indie bands, and this movie definitely hit home with me. My girlfriend and I didn't do any sleeping. The first scene caught me by the balls and kept me interested. I did not expect Glen Hansard to be so passionate about this thing. The man fucking sings his heart out, and I fell for him pretty strongly. Not romantically, but as a musician, as I'm not attracted to hairy Irish men. It looked like he was on the verge of tears for just about every song, and for that I respect him so, so much. In order to be taken seriously as a musician, he had to nail this movie. He's not an actor, and neither is Irglova, but Glen Hansard most definitely is a performer. He puts his heart and his soul into every single song, and I have to say that his performance is truly incredible.

Irglova has no problem trying to match him, however her style of musicianship is not nearly as passionate, and seems much more humble. She doesn't quite put everything out on the table for you, as Glen does so expertly. If you have a love for music, or are into the singer-songwriter stuff, then I cannot possibly recommend this movie more. The movie was incredibly low-budget ($160,000). It's very grainy looking and I love it. The movie is shot so fucking beautifully that it's not even funny. Granted, it's my kind of cinematography, and if I were to make a movie it would look very similar for this. The film is shot on location in Ireland, and it's just...awesome.

This movie completely surprised me. Glen Hansard is the fucking man, and his passion for this is so fucking impressive. I have the utmost respect for both of these musicians. For being professional musicians instead of professional actors is so surprising, because they nail it. The two definitely have a lot of chemistry, and it truly is something to watch. This will be a movie that I rewatch time and time again, simply because it's that good.

Highly recommended.

Drag Me To Hell

PISSED BECAUSE I'M UGLY.

The other night I went to see Drag Me To Hell with my girlfriend and a few of my friends. I found out that this was a Sam Raimi film until I watched the review on the Totally Rad Show (which influences 95% of my movie viewing experiences via theater). My girlfriend wanted to see it, and I'm a huge Evil Dead/Army of Darkness fan, so I also wanted to see it.

Everyone I was with had no idea what this movie was about, and were unaware of what they were in for. I knew exactly what was about to come, and damn was I excited. In this movie, a mortgage loan worker at a bank has to deny this elderly woman an extension on her house payment, and essentially evicts her from her home. Chris, the mortgage worker, plays it off as simply doing her job, and let's her greed overcome her to throw this woman's life away.

Well, Chris fucked with the wrong elderly lady, and as such is cursed by some Spanish demon or something, and has three days before she's dragged to hell. Essentially, the movie consists of Chris trying to live normally with this curse, and then ultimately trying to rid herself of the curse.

The plot sounds pretty straight forward, but whenever it comes down to it, this movie is a comedy. Anyone not going into the film with this mindset will be incredibly disappointed and/or angry. This movie has a great setup for shocking moments, and is genuinely frightening in a pop-out BOO! kind of way, instead of being psychologically frightening. The score to this film is nearly perfect. The sound made my hairs stand on edge, and for the most part made me tense as hell during a few segments. You know whenever it's coming, and whenever it happens I was still shocked as hell. The combination of being expertly shot along with the sound made this hilarious movie genuinely scary, albeit in a way that is cheap and unfair.

If one thing is for certain, Sam Raimi as a director has voice, and he has style. This movie is shot in ways that I felt were original and deliberately made you focus on something out of the ordinary. I recall several scenes where the focus is on a microwave, while the lead character stands to the side. Instead of looking at the main character, I was focused on the reflection the microwave gave off. I ALWAYS thought something was going to pop out, and most generally something did. The microwave was safe though, but that kind of shot made me focus on something out of the way, and as such sucked me back into the experience that much more whenever something did pop out.

The acting in this movie is as good as it needs to be. People need to realize that some of the acting in this movie that was done poorly was deliberate. I think Raimi takes just as much satisfaction in having his audience laugh as he does scaring them. Some of the characters are absurd, and the situations that Chris finds herself in are so incredibly laughable. Some of the CGI effects are just downright fucking hilarious, and this movie exceeded the expectations that I had.

This is easily the best movie I've seen in awhile, and is a modern day B-horror film. Although, once again, I laughed whenever no one else did, especially early on in the film before anyone knew it was a comedy.

Regardless, whenever the end credits came up, I couldn't help but stand up and yell," Man, that movie was THE SHIT!"

Go see it.

This is why I am the way that I am.

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My mom has this on my computer. I don't think she realizes that I'm not in FUCKING COMMUNIST CHINA.

Terminator: Salvation.

Initiate. Pwnage.

It's a little difficult for me to start this review, but I'll begin with some honesty (as always). I am a huge Terminator fan. My dog is named after John Connor, and I think that's pathetic. I distinctly recall owning a miniature Arnold T-800 action figure as a child, but I could be mistaken. There's a good possibility that it was on my wish-list for quite some time, but I know for a fact that I owned a rather shitty action figure of the mechanic Arny, and I assure you that he kicked loads, and loads of DragonBall Z ass.

This movie was directed by McG (what?), the same douchebag who brought you both of the Charlies Angels movies. I knew right away that this movie would feature zero nipple, but I was willing to make that sacrifice. I do, however, wish that they grew a pair and went with the R instead of the PG-13. I'm sure they're trying to compete with blockbusters such as Star Trek and Wolverine, but honestly...why break the tradition?

I'll try to keep this as spoiler free as possibly, but I'll apologize in advance in case I spill anything note-worthy. Christian Bale is a decent actor, however I say this because he needs to tone down the Batman voice and keep being Bruce Wayne. I heard that the Batman voice returns in this movie, but I was thoroughly shocked to hear an even deeper and more raspy Batman voice at times. My theory for this is that John Connor cannot become winded, but only become more badass by deepening his voice and smoking a pack of cigarettes off-screen while he gets his ass handed to him by legions of robots. His performance was not note-worthy, but what did you expect?

Also, I made the mistake of confusing Michael Ironside with Jack Nicholson...again. I kept thinking," Where have I seen this old fart?" and came to the conclusion that I had seen him in The Departed, as they both shared a goattee. However, I recognized Ironside from...and I'm serious here...Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2. I feel like a fucking idiot for that, but who could blame Jack for trying to scrape up a few more bucks with a half-assed part?

I could go on and on about the actors, but these two were the only ones that I felt were notable (Helena Bonham Carter was so-so). The plot of this movie can be summed up in a sentence:

Kyle Reese, the badass from Terminator 1, is numero uno on Skynets shitlist, and John Connor has to save his teenage ass from termination. Simple, right? Right. Any Terminator fan knows that Reese is Connor's father, despite Reese being barely 17 in this movie, and Connor being well into his 20's. If only Reese knew that he had screwed the leader of the Resistance's mother, maybe things would've been different...

The plot was fine and all, but it ended up being more of a superhero esque movie, and the Resistance were a little too badass for me. The only scenes with beaten-up Fallout 3 style characters was very short-lived. However, I really liked how Reese's character reminded me of John Connor in Terminator 2. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but it was really cool seeing the resemblance, even if Reese was a bit of a poor actor.

All in all, they couldve done a lot more with this film. The trend of the main action sequence being in a car lived on through this movie, and I felt like it barely compared with that of Terminator 3. Some of the effects were so clearly CGI that it was hard to watch, and Reese's little companion character was so fucking laughable. This little girl ALWAYS had just what they needed. There's a moment where they need to ignite this gasoline to blow up a Terminator, and the scene switches to the Terminator, and then it switches to the little girl holding a road flare, and I busted out laughing because of how absurd it was. Definitely not how I would've shot that scene, and it just seemed so poorly done and comical. I don't think the rest of the audience really paid any attention to it, though...

To sum up this review, this movie is borderline even with Terminator 3, despite having a few big-name actors. Nothing can really compare with Arnold Schwarzenegger (spelled that correctly the first try) being the star of the show, and the new-age digital effects couldn't live up to that. If you're a fan of the franchise, then I recommend you to go see it, but expect to be disappointed like I was. But this IS a fun movie, and I did enjoy watching it. There's not really anything else to say besides that.

The Secret Life of Mary-Margaret: Portrait of a Bulimic

Because cigarettes=thin.

Thanks to my wonderfully educational and eventful current health topics class, I was able to be exposed to this exceptionally well shot and brilliantly written movie.

Haha, Just kidding!

This movie was creepy. Mary-Margaret, the main character and anorexic/bulimic/binge eater likes to narrate her own story. The voice she uses it almost terrifying, and it was like I was hearing a narration from the Saw movies, but instead it was this fine ass hoe. She sounded bloodthirsty, but in reality she was just insane. Throughout the course of the movie, she finds dumber and dumber ways to make her problem more noticeable. She goes from throwing up into the toilet, to throwing up in jars and putting them in her closet. She then gathers them up once a week or so, and throws them into this nasty swamp lake. It was really creepy.

The climax of the creepiness comes even before that, though. Mary-Margaret goes on her first date with this dreamy football player, and it cuts to a makeout scene where he's kissing all over her face, and she's just sitting there stone-faced, eyes wide open, staring out the front window. I guess she was thinking less about the guys erect penis, and more about how ugly she must've looked since he was kissing off all of her makeup. It was certainly chilling, and the worst part is: She broke up with him, and he didn't dump her creepy ass. I don't understand this at all. I would have taken her home and locked my doors or something.

When it comes down to it, this movie is just a very, very odd movie about a bulimic woman struggling with several eating disorders. Her binge eating is especially odd, as she could've just ate healthy foods instead of downing a bag of doritos and whipped cream (at the same time) and then throwing it all up. I feel like a small salad might've been lovely, but unfortunately Mary-Margaret cannot resist the X-TREME that is Doritos. I think that since she didn't let the doritos digest, the X-TREME inside of them just lingered about her body, as the raw form of X-TREME cannot be expelled unless in the form of stool or extreme sports.

If this movie is a Netflix streaming movie, then I recommend it. Any other forms of this movie would be complete crap. This movie is slightly better than a B Horror movie, and I just so happen to love most of those.

But this movie kind of sucked...

Edit:! This entire movie is on YOUTUBE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpeBtsrjLDc&feature=related Part 1.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMt7FD5zjmA&feature=related Part 2.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUlm1XlaaBM&feature=related Part 3.

Looks like it clocks in just around half an hour, so if you have that time to kill, go for it.

This picture...

Pretty much sums up my life.

Fifteen minutes with Dementium: The Ward

I will now replay this game for fifteen minutes straight, and then write a review.

Well, I guess ten minutes is good enough. I went to look at my file, and I had 1:06 on it. I paid 14.99 for this game and I logged an hour and six minutes into it. Perhaps this game was the reason I had to wipe dust off of my DS. Replaying this game let me review it a little more accurately, and when it comes down to it...this game doesn't need much to let you know it smells of shit.

This game is as the box art implies," A mix between Doom and Silent Hill!" Yeah, well, maybe if the two reproduced while having an orgy with Marilyn Manson and a horse with clown makeup. I feel like the best way to describe this game is if Doom and Silent Hill knocked boots and enjoyed raising a retarded baby while living on skid row. All the while, they're recording the sounds their SPED baby makes and taking ecstacy and recording all this bullshit just to get a feel for the video game they're about to make. Then, they pitched the idea to Gamecock who was like," Sure, our name is shitty enough to where no one will buy anything we make, so what the fuck, why not?"

But the thing is, gamecock just polished up the graphics, but left the sound of the retarded, clove chugging baby in the game. And guess what!? That fucking sound is the sound for EVERYTHING. See a zombie? Retarded baby! See a creepy clown? Retarded baby! See a retarded baby? Retarded baby!

I love the mentally challenged, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that they should stay out of videogames in general. By putting a baby into the mix of things, Gamecock just encourages other developers to compete with their raunchy pile of shit, and to try to bring more hellishly bad videogames into this world. And frankly, I don't want to waste my time with that kind of bullshit.

With this game, I felt like I was constantly checking the map. Constantly. But...guess what? There is no map. Nope. No map. Not unless you find a map in the hundreds of corridors that look exactly alike. Seriously. This game is so repetitive that I almost considered coinhabiting my time with a little subtle masturbation thrown into the mix. You know, just to spice it up a little. Fortunately, I'm far too classy to give in to such a necessity. The horror element in this game involves you try to aim a small crosshair with the stylus at some dumbass flying clown head, all the while your speakers sound like they're about to implode out the ass. The shotgun in this game has zero spread, and unless your fucking surgical with that bitch, you aren't going to hit the little baby things that crawl on the wall and spit out green kool-aid at you.

This is probably one of the most ass backwards game I have played in years. I recommend this game to no one. However, there is one perk that makes things a little more satisfying...

I had to edit the image quite a bit, but you get the idea...

If you make your relationship public via social networking:

HARRY POTTER WILL FUCK YOU.

28 Days.

What the fuck?

For starters, this movie has nothing to do with the survival-horror movie 28 Days Later, which I felt sucked both of my testicles with equal suction. This movie stars Sandra Bullock as a drunkard and a pill addict, and she wrecks a limousine into a house, and is forced to spend 28 days in a correctional facility. While there, she struggles with the withdraws she faces, as well as living in a new environment with other people with equally self-destructive behaviors.

Now, don't let the finesse of that description fool you. I did not choose to watch this movie, and instead watched it during health class for our study on addiction. The movie starts you out knowing nothing about that character of Sandra Bullock aside from the fact that she is a ridiculously ignorant and dumb drunk. Her boyfriend is equally as ridiculous, and she comes off as a total bitch.

I remembered Bullock from somewhere (Miss Congeniality), but couldn't really put a finger on it. Frankly, I hate her as far as acting goes. How she scores lead roles is beyond me, but as far as I was concerned it was beyond the point. It took three class periods to watch this, and during the opening credits I saw that Steve Buscemi was in it, so I had some hope.

This movie was utter shit. The impact of drugs and addiction on this woman's life wasn't even emotional at all, and the turmoil of her sweetheart of a roommate had more of an impact on me than the FUCKING MAIN CHARACTER, who I'm supposed to be able to sympathize with and feel sorry for. The evolution of her addiction is characterized through a series of flashback scenes, and this was easily the most poor of all choices. I'm all for being a little artsy in your shots, but the camerawork of the flashbacks were fuzzy and hazy, with a strange audio difference that made sure you knew that you were back in the past. But frankly, this was total bullshit and I felt that it was completely unnecessary and a filler that could've been cut out to give this movie a REAL ending, which I'll be sure to bitch about in the near future.

Steve Buscemi's character was a counselor who once struggled with addiction himself, and despite a single monologue I felt that they didn't utilize the capacity of an actor that they had, and pretty much wasted the ounce of talent they had. The only character I enjoyed in this movie was a homosexual male who partakes in Bullock's group therapy sessions, and is one of the few people she befriends. The actor who played this man was Alan Tudyk, the same man who played Steve the Pirate in the movie Dodgeball.

I laughed outloud twice at this movie, and one of the two times no one laughed but me. Apparently the mixture of dark humor into the mix didn't appeal to the rest of my classmates, but that's perfectly okay. This movie was an absolute failure at whatever it tried to do. When trying to scare someone straight or teach them a moral lesson about the dangers of addiction, no director or screenplay will ever be able to top Requiem for a Dream, but that's the kind of movie that I feel should only be exposed to a certain demographic of people, and that demographic doesn't include my health class.

The ending of this movie tied up very few loose ends, and further proved that many of the characters involved were involved simply to provide further insight into Bullock's character (and failed), or to provide some sense of comic relief, or to give an extra a line or two. They had very little depth, and the one character who potentially becomes Bullock's next love interest is left in the dust. I can understand how it might show the progression of her character by leaving him behind (because he gives into the temptations of his addictions), but the very assumption that the writers of this movie would be so intelligent as to make that connection is slim to none. The delivery and tone of this movie was completely awful, and I can't recommend it to anyone.

Also, in regards to the "two thumbs up" given on the front cover of the case, this movie gets a "two thumbs in my eyes, and my cock across Sandra Bullock's face" from me. She should've just ended her career with Speed 2 and done the world a favor.

Call of Duty 5: World at War

Around seventy years outdated.

The reason I haven't posted a blog in ten days is mainly because of the following reasons:

1. I've been sick.
2. I've been spending time with my lovely girlfriend, and have been relatively happy and not mad at the world.
3. I've been playing Call of Duty 5: World at War.

Now, for starters, I will go ahead and say that Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare by Infinity Ward is my favorite FPS ever. I still actively play it online, and have been actively playing it online for well over a year and a half. In short, I am the shit at Call of Duty 4. Stats-wise, it says I'm better at Call of Duty 5. This is a load of shit. I'm much, much better at Call of Duty 4. I am "that guy" who always kills you, and dies once or twice throughout the entire game. Very few people rival me on that shit.

Okay, now that I have that out of the way, I'll start with my review of World at War. Before playing this game, I rewatched Band of Brothers, which is arguably the greatest television series of all time. Needless to say, I was very pumped to play this game. But, unfortunately, nothing can be as good as Band of Brothers, whether it be interactive or not. There is a reason we haven't seen the Pacific Campaign in very many WW2 games. It's simple, really.

The Pacific Campaign is fucking boring.

Yes, I said it. It's the same reason a Vietnam game never worked out. That shit is boring. The jungle is boring. The Japanese Kamikaze attackers can be dispatched of by meleeing three or four times, and it gets really old. The Russian campaign leaves more to desire, but still...after Call of Duty 2, I really can't look at another WW2 game without comparing it to the greatness that is Call of Duty 2. It's like thirteen dollars now as well, so I recommend that.

There area where this game shines is the area that almost always gives me the most bang for my buck in every videogame I've ever played. Simply put, the split-screen multiplayer aspect of this game is fun as hell. The campaign mode can be played co-operatively with up to four players, and however it may be co-operative, the game allows for you to be competitive and play it like an arcade game, letting you rack up points for each kill or objective completed. It's very, very entertaining. There is something about a +110 popping up on the screen after I kill someone that is very rewarding.

Also, once the game is completed you unlock Nazi Zombies, a game mode that places you in a ran down building that you must survive in while Zombies try to force entry, and eat you. This game mode can get very, very intense. The thing I enjoy about Call of Duty 4 so much is that it's a stressful game. It can cause me to tense up and actually place stress on me. World at War online multiplayer usually just pisses me off, so it was a nice addition to get some stress with the Zombies game mode. I highly recommend checking it out split-screen, as it's very entertaining.

The mode I played most extensively was the online multiplayer mode, which is usually the most popular. I refused to review this game until I got to the highest rank, which is 65. It took me well over a day to achieve such a feat, and the act of prestieging (starting over, at rank 1, to get a new little icon next to your name), has never looked like a more ridiculous idea. This game has two things that make it completely useless in my eyes.

1. Outdated weapons.
2. Bad maps.

And I know you might say, " Well Cameron, the game takes place in World War 2! Of course there are going to be outdated weapons!"

Well no shit. What I'm talking about is whenever I'm using a single-shot rifle, and the other guy I'm fighting has a sub-machine gun with the juggernaut perk. Now, I can aim pretty damn quick and shoot that motherfucker, but the juggernaut perk gives him a little more health, so he can pretty much just shrug that bullet off. So, while I chamber a new round, he can shoot the fuck out of me, because he has 32 bullets before he has to reload.

That, right there, is the biggest load of bullshit ever. Why even include such a bullshit, arbitrary set of weapons? The beauty of Call of Duty 4 and 5 are that the online mode is customizable. You get three sets of perks, and can choose from a great deal of weapons, along with different grenade types and all this other stuff. You can completely customize your outfitting. Completely. And I love it. It is the single greatest aspect in a FPS since being able to look up. Both games also offer you challenges, and completing a challenge gives you XP that allows you to level up and unlock new weapons. So, it has a very simple and fun RPG setup to it that I enjoy.

Now, Call of Duty 5: World at War does not do this to where I enjoy it. I mean, it does, but compared to Call of Duty 4....please.

I have prestieged eight times on Call of Duty 4, meaning I have went from rank 1, to rank 55, eight different times. I have used every single gun on that game extensively, and there is one or two guns that I absolutely dislike and despise. Now, with Call of Duty 5 I disliked...

1. Unscoped Springfield.
2. Arisaka. Every single variant of this gun.
3. The German Semi-Automatic Rifle. It was decent, but only 10 bullets didn't do too much for me.
4. The Type 100.
5. The Type 99.
6. The Ppsh-k or whatever it's called. Very overpowered.
7. The PTRS-1 or whatever. Why the hell is this gun even there? The scoped Garand is a dozen times better.
8. The MP-40, contrary to every other motherfucker who plays the game.

and I'm sure there are more, but you get the gist of it. This game does not merit nearly as much replay as 4 does. The maps are either WAY too big (and dominated by tanks), or WAY too small (where I get assraped every single time I spawn). It's just bad game design. It's very bad game design in my eyes. It happened repeatedly my first times playing, and until I could counter it I was being demolished straight up. I asked a player," When does this level get fun?"

" Oh, you just have to unlock that sub-machinegun you get at rank 47" or whatever. Why in the hell? It seemed like that was the gun that every single son of a bitch was killing me with, and I wonder why...

It was bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. My K/D ratio on Call of Duty 4 is 1.47. My K/D ratio on Call of Duty 5 is 1.58, or 1.60 or something. How in the fuck did I do better? Sure, the players in Call of Duty 4 are a lot better than they used to be, and the learning curve for the maps (because they're actually good) takes awhile longer, but the game is a superior FPS in almost every aspect. I'm not going to lie and say I'll stop playing World at War online, because that would be a lie. I love pwning noobs and kicking some ass....but this game fucking sucks.

Stick to the split-screen, or competitive campaign, or Nazi Zombies with some friends who you know you're going to have a good time with. The online on this game felt broken if you ask me. The obscene amount of useless and arbitrary perks and weapons took this game too far. I mean, you get the only semi-automatic rifle at the VERY end of things. At rank 65! What the fuck?

It's some weak-pussy ass bullshit. And yet I'll probably go online and play a few matches after I post this. But here's the thing. I'm not addicted to the game, by no means. I'm addicted to killing noobs, because Call of Duty 5 is full of them. Call of Duty 4, on the other hand...not so much.

Oh well. You probably didn't hear it here first. But you should've.

Tell your friends.

Watchmen (Movie)

Who's watching the Watchmen?

Corny, I know. But whatever. My efforts to see this movie were...well, efforts. No one, and I really mean it, no one that I met in person enjoyed this movie. I talked to six different people (I'm sure there were more, but six have stayed in my head) and four of the six walked out early. All six complained of Dr. Manhattan's penis. Yes, Dr. Manhattan is nude in both the comic and the movie. I got over it fairly quickly. All of these people told me the Monday after the movie was released. I'm a very avid Totally Rad Show fan, and I almost always base my expectations off of those guys. But, it comes out every Tuesday after school.

So, I had to spend two full days at school listening to how awful the movie is. I got the comic book on Thursday, so I knew next to nothing about Watchmen except that it was very critically acclaimed. Hated by movie-goers, and loved by comic book fans. Apparently there was a criticism between the movie and the book, and how close in nature they stayed to it that lowered reviews, but I'll get to that later.

Needless to say, those two days were very nerve-racking. Having been requested to review the movie, I finally wanted something positive to say. I wasn't going to let a huge blue penis get in the way of me enjoying a film that I felt I could respect. However, the Totally Rad Show goes prevailed, and all three of them approved of the film. Jeff Cannata and Alex Albrecht went so far as to say that they loved it. However, they brought up something that really threw me off guard.

If you have read the comic, then the movie so closely follows the comic that you are not being presented a story, but instead are being shown how it is executed. So, I had to take this into consideration. Having unexpectedly obtained the graphic novel on Thursday of that week, I managed to read all of it besides the final fifteen pages. So, I went in being shown how the story is being executed aside from the final ten to fifteen minutes.

That right there, is my bias. The movie literally has frame for frame shots of the comic. I can open up a page in the book and point at a frame and say," That exact frame is in the movie. That EXACT frame," and I can do this more than just a few times. Watchmen is the closest, and most true book to film adaptation that I have ever seen, and as far as I know, that has ever existed.

Unfortunately, it is a film, and due to time restrictions the movie had to be shortened. But, every major scene is in the movie. Every fight scene, every very important line. All of the memorable moments that will make a fan of the comic book smile, are right there in the movie.

Now, how did I feel about the movie? I loved it. I do not see how it could have been done any better, aside from finding a different actor for Miss Jupiter. The Totally Rad Show guys also pointed it out, and they were the ones that brought it to my attention. She is not the worst actor, but so many of her lines seemed forced. But, the performances of both the actor who played Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan made up for it tenfold.

Bottom line is that this is a great movie, but it's a movie for people who think. It's a movie for people who appreciate a good, dense story, and most importantly it's a movie for people who are going to sit there and pay attention for the entire three hours. The biggest complaint I got from people who viewed this film was that it was too long, too slow, and they didn't understand it. Oh, and that they didn't want to look at Dr. Manhattan's huge blue cock the entire movie.

Well...

1. I felt that this movie was not too long. It did not feel long. I was entertained the entire time, even having already seen the material on paper. I knew exactly what was going to happen the entire time up until the last ten to fifteen minutes, and aside from my girlfriend making a comment or asking a question, it had my full attention.
2. Did not feel slow to me at all. The pacing was perfect in my opinion. Every line held significance, and every scene was significant to the progress of the film.
3. This is where I am biased. However, I saw this movie with three people who had not read the graphic novel. I had to answer maybe two questions altogether, and they all understood the movie. Why? Because they paid attention. Hell, my girlfriend almost fell asleep (she was tired, fuck off), and she still understood it. I cannot comprehend what there was to not understand.
4. No. The thirty seconds of huge blue dick was not two hours and forty-three minutes of huge blue dick. Nice try.

So, there you have it. This movie will make you think, cringe, smile, and maybe even cry. And frankly, if a film can convey such actions, then for the most part I feel that it's done a good job. Still, Alan Moore is not happy.

Rorschach's Journal. 5:19pm.

...But not American Love.

It's been the craze lately. For the longest time it was all I heard about. Far back in my past, perhaps a year and a half ago, I first heard of the graphic novel famously titled Watchmen. I have to say that it interested me, but not enough for me to actively seek it out. The birth of the movie made this available to me, as a friend of mine in my English class had purchased, and read the graphic novel. She loaned it out to a friend of mine, and I told him that he had two days to read it.

" I need two days to read this, because I'm watching the movie Friday and I want to review both," I told him, and my urgency was answered. I used to be a comic book addict. It wasn't just a hobby. It seemed like every time I left the house I had to buy several of them, and knowing the hours of every comic book shop in every city I went to like the back of my hand became the norm. Star Wars was what I was into, and I believe I gave up before purchasing all of the Boba Fett series. So I had some experience when it came to comic books, but taking Watchmen into consideration, I was way above my head.

I'll give a little more background information as to how this became a reality before I begin both reviews. Once again, Watchmen linked back to my English class. A student there asked the teacher if a girl would be interested in seeing it. I promptly told him," Well, Jeff...My girlfriend asked ME to see it."

At the time I was just being a prick, as per usual, but the significance of that didn't really dawn on me until recently. Watchmen was becoming such a phenomenon that my comic book virgin girlfriend asked ME to see it. I felt overwhelmed. I don't have to go into as much detail regarding the book as I do the movie, and how my views might've been biased, because as far as reading the comic went, I was not biased at all. I just read it. I knew it was something I would enjoy and be interested in, and as far as things go, that was what I was expecting.

I'll go ahead and start this by saying that Watchmen became my favorite graphic novel/comic book series that I have ever read. Except for the sole exception of Boba Fett: Agent of Doom (Which was a standalone comic), this is the greatest form of graphic literature that I have ever experienced, and I doubt it will be rivaled until I ultimately take on the task of reading Preacher.

Watchmen has everything that I strive to have in my writing, and deep characters is one of those things. Rorschach is bar none one of the single greatest characters I have ever experienced. I'll go ahead say that I did very much like Dr. Manhattan and later on ended up liking Dan Dreiburg quite a bit, but Rorschach blew me away.

The genius of Alan Moore, the writer of Watchmen, can be seen through the character of Rorschach alone. He is proof that Moore himself is a fucking genius. Rorschach is this emotionless character that seems very alienated from society, and yet it is the most realistic and believing interpretation of that character type I've ever seen. The back story involved was breathtaking, and as a character he felt chilling. Even through simple text and a hand-drawn image, the character of Rorschach was able to make me convey emotion that made me want to be weary of such a fellow.

You see, in Watchmen, upon the arrival of fictationous superheroes, there came a batch of costumed adventuerers, so to speak, that ran around and fought crime. They formed together to join the Minutemen, and Watchmen takes place, and stars the next generation of the Minutemen: The infamous Crimebusters. Unfortunately, the government passes a law in 1977 stating that masked vigilantes have been outlawed, and as such all but three of them go into retirement. With this, a man with actual super powers, Dr. Manhattan, is introduced, and this changes not only the tide of things, but how the world is and how events unfold because of this. Needless to say, the story is very, very deep, and as such this makes it a very difficult thing to review.

The character of Dr. Manhattan is also very interesting, as he can decompose the genetic makeup of anything, changing it's atoms and rearranging the matter that makes up absolutely everything. He also sees time from different angles than human beings, being able to see the past, present, and future simultaneously. He describes time as a jewel, and human beings can only see one side of that jewel, while he can see all of the sides. Each issue in the comic stars a different character (with Rorschach getting a little more airtime), but the issue that stood out the most to me was definitely Dr. Manhattan's.

In the issue, Dr. Manhattan describes several events, and as such they are viewed from the past tense, present tense, and future tense. So, you get three different stories simultaneously, giving you a somewhat accurate representation of how life would be for him. Examples like this can be seen all throughout the comic, and veterans to the comic book franchise will really take notice of the perfect that is the layout of the comic, and small details such as how Rorschach's speech bubbles change depending on whether or not you're viewing a flashback or not.

There is so much I can say about Watchmen, and to really get a grasp of just how epic and dense the comic is, I would have to be sitting down and talking with you one on one. It's difficult for me to not recommend something like this, and if you have any interest in comic books...then this really is one of the greatest things you can read. Not only that, but thanks to the movie you can find copies of the trade at most Barnes & Nobles, Borders, etc. It's really, really easy to find now, and you don't really have an excuse not to check this out.

Now for the movie review...

Safari 4 Beta

Web Browsing for Ballers.

Granted, I dislike Apple. But, as a human being, I can overcome full-blown hatred and hate just a small section of certain things. Like, for instance, I don't hate Vitamin Water, but I do hate that shitty yellow citrus Vitamin Water. I absolutely despise iPods and iTunes, and as such, I'm a little bitter towards the company as a whole.

But when it comes to making an OS, Apple is king. I've been wanting to mess with the Macintosh OS for quite some time, but I've never had an opportunity. Because of this, I felt it was necessary to download the new Safari 4 beta for Windows. Unfortunately, I use Vista, and I missed out on upgrading to the Windows 7 Beta, which I wouldn't mind upgrading to come August time, when I hope it's released.

Now, Safari 4 has a top sites screen, as the image above shows. What this is, essentially, is a list of your most frequented web sites, plastered and displayed elegantly before you in a large, easy to read shortcut list. You can choose from a small, medium, or large size, and with such you can have more of your frequented sites, or less. Problem is, I'm often times going to myspace, and then being redirected to myspace or some bullshit, so I have several windows of the same website. So, instead of using the top sites as a bookmarking tool, it's just like that little tab over in Mozilla that I use to navigate forums to find a topic I was just recently at. All in all, this feature looks gorgeous and is very easy to use, but whenever it comes down to it, I just can't find the customization options I'm looking for, and as such several of the boxes are wasted with the repetition of the same website.

When checking your history, you have a nice iTunes like album-display interface, only instead of album art you have websites. I hate iTunes, so I don't think I will ever use this. An annoyance for me was how you couldn't navigate through your history using the arrow keys, and instead had to click the icons. Not a bit deal, but it's something I expected to happen.

Apple claims that Safari 4 is the fastest browser, and thus far I can't really disagree. It is relatively quick, and between Mozilla and Safari, I can tell a minimal difference in speed, with Safari probably edging ahead. Still, that's with several add-ons I have for Firefox, which Safari doesn't offer.

When it comes down to it, I very much enjoy Safari 4, but it's still just a beta, and as such I've had several problems displaying websites and frequent crashes (only lately, though) dealing with their support for Flash. Still, Safari was the new and exciting browser I was looking for, and I can see myself using it in the future for several things. Besides, it looks sleek enough to where I don't have to maximize it, and I just leave it centered along my desktop without distorting the page at all.

I'll probably continue to use it from time to time, but Firefox is and always will be my primary choice of browser. Still, it's all opinion, and I can't really argue and say that Apple hasn't done a good job here.

My boxer briefs are FTL.

Literally.

Over the course of several days, I consumed what was left of my boxer supply. As such, I found a pair of boxers in my drawer that weren't exactly boxers at all. I'm assuming they were a product of the 90's, and for good reason. When my brother moved out (years ago), he left with me several pairs of underwear that he did not enjoy, or simply forgot about. A few pairs were handed down through the generation, but I have a suspicion that these briefs were just complete and utter shit.

Getting back to the spirit of reviewing things, I haven't watched a damn thing worth reviewing in weeks. Hell, I'm sure I could come up with a few things, but whenever it comes down to it, the most urgent prospect in my life just so happens to be these nuthuggers that are destroying my stylish and comfortable gait.

As my friend said, briefs are like getting a hug. All day. The entire time. I mentioned this to a friend and he said," With a mouth?" Why the fuck did he say that?

Anyway, I did a little research and this particular pair of boxer-brief was manufactured by fruit of the loom, of FTL for short. The acronym further backs my belief that these boxers are from the late 90's, because internet lingo surely would've made any dumbass steer clear of the new "for the lose" boxers.

And they are. For the loss of my FUCKING MIND. The support that these things give me is mind numbing. Sitting in class was one of the most unpleasant and uncomfortable experiences of my life, simply because a piece of elastic fabric would rather my genitals be inserted into my anus, instead of being exterior like they were FUCKING DESIGNED TO BE.

So thank you, Fruit of the Loom. How can you sleep at night?

Being Catholic.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing wrong with Christians who are not Evangelical war-mongering end of the world pro-life but pro-apocalyptic mayhem, but there is something about Catholics that just pisses me off. My friend Logan has had his life impacted by Mormons, and thankfully the Mormons are not in my area. But, it seems like the majority of people around here are Catholics, and are devout followers of Catholicism.

That's cool and all, but come the fuck on. In my World History class, we started with the birth of Christianity just a few weeks back, and we've pretty much covered the whole Catholic/Lutheran rah-rah bullshit. Only a complete idiot could be so blind as to not see the obvious corruption found RIGHT IN MY MOTHERFUCKING TEXTBOOK.

Catholics sold INDULGENCES. To get you into HEAVEN. You paid the church, bought an indulgence, and got into heaven. In the 1500's, if you were poor, Catholic, and unable to support yourself you could either:

A. Spend money on supporting your family and remaining healthy, but go to hell.
B. Blow all your money on a bullshit piece of paper that would let you go to Heaven.
C. Die.

I always thought Catholics were into baptism and all this, and yet the Pope is really, really wanting to make a buck, so he makes an indulgence. Not only that, but several Popes married and fathered children, as well as bribing the church into letting one of their sons become a Cardinal. If that isn't corruption, I don't know what the fuck is.

I had to do an advertisement for a religion, and one of the guidelines were that I was not allowed to use more than a few words, or exemplify any form of my vocabulary prowess, because most people in that time period COULD NOT READ.

So, Martin Luther comes along, reads the bible and interprets for himself. So, he tries getting these people to follow him, and as such they READ the bible and begin finding things out for themselves. They READ the bible. Whenever the only people who could READ were monks and bishops.

Martin Luther INTERPRETED the bible. Has no one realized that each tiny little religious difference is characterized by different interpretations of one book? Why is it not that simple? Hell, Martin Luther himself had to translate the entire thing into German so his followers could read it. Or so it says.

The corruption in the Catholic church stretches out even to today, where a Priest can get away with having sexual intercourse with a minor. Now, why is this? Well, whenever a Priest commits a crime such as that, the "Church" has a "conference". The State and Government sure as hell don't step in. Hell, it's not like the Priest broke the law and raped some innocent little boy. Surely he didn't do that, and surely that's not AGAINST THE MOTHERFUCKING LAW.

How can everyone not see this bullshit? Another thing that bothers me, and my mother tells me this often, is that Catholics are "drinkers". That they don't see indulging in liquor to be a sin (or perhaps it is a minor sin), and as such...there are more drunks in my area. I understand that this is a big contributor to Miller, Budweiser, Busch Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Keystone, the choice of all professional drunkards who can't afford life insurance, but whenever it comes down to it, I don't want to have to drive at night and worry about some Catholic who thought it was cool to drive home after having a few drinks.

I don't understand that much at all, and if someone could enlighten me as to why a good handful of them think it's an okay thing to do (drink, not drink and drive), I would surely appreciate it. I cannot fathom how people cannot wrap their minds around all this. I understand that it took me a long time to come out of my shell and shed my Christianity and accept that I was Agnostic, but that was because I was raised in Church and because I was scared. Yeah, I was fucking scared. But when it comes down to it...I really do have a hard time believing all this. I feel like I was lied to for what was the majority of my life, and that I was absolutely brainwashed into believing something that I clearly do not believe in today. And as such, I've become very, very bitter and angry.

I hope to shy away from this subject more in the future and focus more on reviews, but until people give me some suggestions (movies, music, videogames, etc.), I can't help but rant on and on about these types of things. Because frankly, I'm fucking sick of it.

I rarely expect anyone to agree with me on 95% of the things I talk about, and that's perfectly fine. I almost don't want you to. Just sit and think about it. What are the grounds for your beliefs, and how strong do they stand? Fortunately for me, they were pretty fucking loose, but I doubt that's the case for most people.

But really,

Motivation for this blog will come as soon as I get an idea, or until the Mormons finally decide to try and sell me a bible. Whichever comes first.

I've got a fever...

And the only cure is more rock climbing.

Three weeks ago, my friend Donald canceled out on me to go bouldering. He was going to be my ride so I could cohabitate while on a date, but...fortunately, he went bouldering instead. What is bouldering, you might ask?

Well, bouldering is the same was rock climbing, only you do not use a harness, a rope, or climb any higher than seven meters (tops). Usually you don't climb any higher than your own height, but as you get better you can work your way up. Donald informed me on Saturday (the following day) that he was absolutely dead tired, and that he could barely even squeeze a ketchup bottle. Now, Donald is ripped. He is in the best physical condition I have seen of just about anyone, and anything that can make him that sore is badass. Bouldering was officially termed," Rock climb for hardasses," in my book, and I just let it go.

Well, Donald told me of the prices and decided he was going to go every Thursday and Sunday. Well, to make a long story short...I have not missed a single Thursday or Sunday in the past three weeks. I am officially licensed to belay a climber, and I have a gym membership to the climbing gym we go to. I plan on investing money into a pair of personal climbing shoes along with a chalk bag, and I am straight up motherfucking addicted to this. And let me tell you, it hurts.

Today, I skipped that bullshit Track thing I do after school to rock climb, and I don't have any regrets. Last Sunday we invited our Earth Space teacher and Math teacher to join us. Mr. Ayer (my Earth Space teacher) invited his daughter a long (see picture above), Shaylyn, and Mr. Bell (my Math teacher) brought his girlfriend along, Amanda. Donald and I have also been bringing my friend Zach Kohlstrum a long with us, and amazingly he is a photographer of professional quality. So, with each trip we make, we get about a dozen or so 2600x 3884 photos.

You can find his flickr here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/zkphoto and I assure you, he's damn good. It really is one of the most challenging and addicting activities I've engaged in in probably my entire life, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon. This is just an introduction to my new hobby, and I'm going to make sure to talk about it a whole lot more.

I'll leave you with a picture of me dominating a problem in style. I guess I should tell you that a problem is a specific course that you have to take while climbing, to increase difficulty and test your dexterity. Gives you a really good judge of how good you are. But yeah, do enjoy.

" Donald! Donald! I'm too tired up here! Catch my retainer!"

Ibuprofin is a wonderous drug...

Contrary to popular belief, only 90% of these pictures are thought of beforehand.

I'm beyond tired today. My first real day of track practice was today, and at this rate I've only got 8 remaining days. Mentally, I feel I am a very, very strong person and I'm usually able to overcome any weaknesses I might experience physically, despite some effort I may lack in the motivation department. Yesterday, I spent over an hour putting the high jump mats together. This year, I am very upset with the team.

To everyone on the team, I'm just some skinny cross country runner. I decided it would be most beneficial to me to run with the sprinters this season, seeing as how I excel at high jump and am somewhat gifted at it. I have probably ran two miles in the past four months, and I am very, very out of shape despite the muscle I have gained from rock climbing (which I will blog about before too long). I went into practice today with soreness along my quads and my upper back from climbing, and I am nowhere near well rested. I stay up all hours of the night talking on the phone, and when I'm stressed my insomnia kicks back in and I go absolutely apeshit.

Like I said, I go into this completely out of shape, and I'm with the sprinters. We go on a short run, and upon arriving on our destination have to do a one-mile workout. It was supposed to be at a run, and not at a jog. Somehow, I am the first to finish. But, I am not first. I'm fourth. Why is this? Because three motherfuckers cheated, and took the credit. I'm sure coach told them," Great job!"

I finish my run, being the first person to finish that didn't cut through the fucking woods. These three pricks look to me and say," Ready to run another lap?"

I was furious. My throat was filled with thick saliva, and I tried desperately to begin cursing these kids out, but I was breathing far too hard because of the cold to even do a damn thing. I informed coach I would be switching back to distance if I had to put up with this any longer, but when it comes down to it, I don't feel it will benefit my high jumping, so I really have no choice but to stick with the sprinters.

The seniors made no attempts to scold these cheaters, and if that happened during cross country your ass would've been chewed out. You complete the entire run, no matter how long it takes. I have that mentality stuck in my head, and seeing something as obvious as that go unheeded was just...mind-boggling. It shouldn't have infuriated me, but the Seniors that held the team together last year are having a ball off in college, and I'm still just a god damn Sophomore with no authority. I try to be a nice person, I really do.

On top of this, I had to go to the weight room. They wanted us to max out, which...as far as I'm concerned, is unheard of for a distance runner to do in track and field. I was always under the impression that we were supposed to build lean muscle. The explanation behind it was absurd, and I didn't buy it at all. Being a rock climber now, I snuck over and started doing reps of chin ups and curls. I got away with this, but whenever I went to do reps at bench press I was scolded for not maxing out. I almost wasted forty minutes today, and the only time that wasn't wasted I spent doing things I was not supposed to do.

So here I am, at almost 9pm and I'm absolutely exhausted. Ibuprofin has become my new best friend, and I absolutely fucking regret pushing myself today. Hell, I didn't even push myself. I just actually tried.

So fucking pathetic. I feel like the sprinters wouldn't know what pain feels like even if it bit them in the ass. My advice to everyone out there is that if you're going to join a team sport, have a team mentality, because no matter how big your balls are, it really doesn't fucking matter unless everyone has a similar mindset as you do. Track and Field especially. Your individual accomplishments won't mean shit if your team never makes an effort to even try.

I just want to have fun. It's working out exactly how I imagined it. I guess Ms. Braun was right," Life sucks, and then you die."

Oh, Valentines Day..

How I loathe you...

I felt like this year, since I'm in a relationship, that this day wouldn't be so bad. It's difficult to judge because spending time with your significant other is usually enjoyable, but this day itself is complete and utter shit. I informed my girlfriend that I would not be getting her a thing for Valentines day, because I do not believe in it. As per usual, things never really go as planned for me...

I got her a card entirely in Spanish. I had no idea what it said, but I thought it was hilarious. I recently dropped Spanish 2, and could only read bits and pieces of it. I believe the title was," To my love, My Wife." and it had a picture of an intimate Hispanic couple lying on white silk sheets, during a resting period from their passionate and unprotected lovemaking session. Valentines Day is sort of like the National Conception Day, whether it be on purpose or accidental. " C'mon, baby...It's Valentines Day...do I really need this?"

Bam. Children. Hispanic children.

My mother is a firm believer in the holiday, and as such made me feel guilty as hell for only getting my girlfriend a card written entirely in Spanish, that confessed my love for her as my wife, and not as my girlfriend. So, the guilt trips she placed on me had me getting her candy and a CD I thought she would be interested in. I thought," Well, this is surely enough...she expects nothing."

I was wrong. Apparently, according to my mother, a girl cannot take a man seriously unless they deliver their gifts in a flamboyant mushy-gushy gift bag. Going to purchase this bag was hell. Not only do I enjoy sticking it to the man, but I suddenly became a hypocrite as I walked down the aisles, ashamed to be in the situation that I was in. My changeover from being a rebellious youth to a hypocritical tool was short-lived, but my insides were burning and I recall tearing up a little, despite the irritation caused by my left contact lens. The things my mother recommended to accentuate the contents of the gift-bag were gut-wrenching, and having to confess my love in this manner went against everything I stood, and still stand for.

The five minutes of grueling agony was worth it, as I was not beaten, despite what my mother said might happen. Valentines Day is just a great excuse for candy and greeting card companies to strike a buck and make a fortune. I just hope it somehow helped the economy...

...Like I give a shit.

Apple Finally Does Something Right.

I look like an idiot for YOUR entertainment!

I apologize for the sound quality. I'm not a fan of yelling so my generic built-in laptop microphone can hear me. Use headphones. Also, my first video...ever. Thank you, laziness.

Far Cry 2: Getting Lost.

For my first video game review, I thought about being a little more positive. I'm trying to review things I have recently played, and seeing as how my "reviews" are geared more towards convincing you NOT to buy a product, it is hard to be positive. Firstly, I played this game on my Xbox 360. I'm one of those people who bitch about how expensive video games are, and as such I borrow them from friends (mostly) instead of purchasing them. I'm also unemployed, so that is my real reason.

I went into this game with a great sense of optimism. After widening the assholes of well over 40,000 people on Call of Duty 4, and accomplishing feats that noobs could only dream about, but are too nooby to even come up with a rational thought that could double as the motherfucking awesome shit I have done on that game, and still do on that game, I wanted a break from my usual rapefest. Why would I want this, you might ask? My dick was sore, obviously.

Now, the game takes place in a Jungle. I'm assuming it was in Africa, but I really didn't pay all that much attention. You get to choose from a shitload of different people at the beginning, but the only thing it changes is what your arms look like. I thought it would be an interesting concept, but why the fuck should I care about what my arms look like in an FPS? I was just grateful there wasn't an underage stripper tattoo or something I had to look at the entire time.

The game has a storyline, which I tried following. I recall being 56% done with the game when I returned it. The storyline doesn't matter. What does matter is that all I did this entire game was bullshit missions, and I bought weapons. You do missions to get diamonds, or you find suitcases with diamonds. The problem is, you do a mission and get 50 diamonds, or you can hunt for several hours and get 15 diamonds. So the whole suitcase diamond thing was a complete waste of time.

Also, driving in this game is all done in 1st person. The cars you buy are endorsed by nothing other than rust, and the only car in the game that matters would have to be the Jeep, which is endorsed by Jeep. I don't understand why, though...

My main gripe with this game was that you had to drive fucking everywhere, and every single car was a piece of shit. I would drive for forty-five seconds, and then get shot at by some asshole and it would just die. A bullet to the fender would make my engine ignite in flames, and to repair it you had to get out of the car, walk around, and tighten one bolt with a wrench. Like, somehow, the one bolt controlled the fire that was surrounding the engine. It was such bullshit, and the only form of transportation were four bus-stops that took you to the farthest corners of the map, so no matter what you had to drive somewhere, to do some mundane, repetitive task.

Fighting in the game was less than desirable. I have a soft spot for the M1911 handgun, and whenever I unlocked and purchased the weapon I was ecstatic. However, shooting someone with it six times in the chest was never, ever fun. Even after fully upgrading the pistol, it took six or seven shots to down someone. I feel that if I were to be shot, I would probably not be able to return fire or kick someones ass regardless. This was how it was for everything, and the aiming was total bullshit. There was never any cover, and I don't recall ever having an advantage in a fight. The element of surprise was never there. I had a camouflage upgrade that made me invisible in tall grass, but the problem was that I didn't feel any different at all, so I wasted 45 diamonds on an upgrade that did absolutely nothing.

I don't recall having ever played a more mundane, boring ass game in all my life. I churned out nearly twenty hours on this piece of shit, and I kept thinking it was going to improve and something exciting would happen. But it never did. It never fucking did. I got to the new areas, I did a shitload of missions and met a whole lot of people I did not give a shit about. Normally I am a compassionate person, but everyone you meet seems just as mindless and ridiculous as all the other AI grunts you fight. I would not have had any problem at all shooting them in the face.

I strongly recommend you to not play this game. The online was broken and the level-editor was complete bullshit. I lagged on an excellent connection, and it was honestly one of the most horrendous online experiences I have ever had. Having played the original Far Cry, I think you would much rather enjoy that. Aside from the pretty graphics, this game has nothing going for it. Nothing at all.

BC 13 Mot--Fuck this.

Today, I had a good day. I cannot look you in the eye right now (figuratively) and say," I had a bad day," because that would be lying. Do I seem like a liar to you? No, of course not.

Lately, I've been subjected to this stupid bullshit scene kid music. It's not that I hate the scene, it's just that I don't care. One of my near and dear friends is a scene kid, but fortunately he does not listen to this TRASH out there. So, since I had a good day today, I'm going to give my first album review a shot.

My taste in music is very broad. I generally enjoy punk, and it's many subgenres. I am also a big fan of indie rock, and indie pop, primarily those based out of the Toronto area. I also enjoy some jazz once in awhile, and for the most part I can tolerate just about anything besides Toby Keith or the sounds of a Southern girl on her period. With that said, this new post-post (that's what I call it) hardcore electronica bullshit is enough to make me apply for a free castration by a dentist. An unlicensed, unclean, child-molesting dentist.

From what I have heard of this bullshit, I would rather listen to the sounds of whales fucking underwater while Rosie O'Donnel comments on how fucking delicious her alfredo is, but some dumb motherfucker put too much salt on it to deliberately keep her fat ass fat. Now, I consider myself to be an open-minded, albeit opinionated person. Why is this? How can I be very open-minded, but but still hold strong beliefs and opinions? Simple answer: Because some things are FUCKING STUPID. This album I'm about to review is one of them. There are five tracks on this album, and if I make it through three then I think I will have done a good job. Let me begin.

01. Freaxxx.

Initially, I find the spelling to be complete bullshit. Three X's is a code for pornography, and we all know this. It seems like this song is about getting freaky now, and then how much pussy the lead singer gets while his girlfriend screams in the background. Apparently these alcoholic women want his penis, and he decided to write a song about it.

It's very difficult to listen to this douchebag talk about something that has probably never happened to him before. I've heard virgins make music before, and this is the kind of sound they produced. It seems like later in the song he becomes more sentimental and actually wants to talk to this girl, but I'm sure she's too drunk (and her eyes are too filled with tears) for her to even give a shit. I sure hope this faggot doesn't cry some more.

Also, the screaming is excessive and I don't understand why he would be yelling.

02. Sex Toyz.

Once again, what the fuck is with this spelling?

Alright, well. The chorus is," Girl, you so sexy, you give me the heeby jeebies; you make my peepee hard."

............

03. Schitzo

I'm done.

This Isn't Gay

It's awesome.

I just spent the last few hours of my life writing a three page report on homosexuality. This report was supposed to be informational and should double as a speech. Frankly, I've wasted so much fucking time on this subject that I don't even care anymore. I was diehard about this topic, and my opinions were very strong and standstill. I was unable to engage in a class discussion (thanks to SWEET MEAT), and I had to do the alternative, which I just described.

I had a dozen sources it seemed like, and parenthetical documentation is so tedious that I just winged it and I can only hope she grades it lightly. Since SWEET MEAT fucked up, I have a late grade on this report despite it being done on the correct time. I would rather have listened to Buzz Ballads 2 (and skipping over Simple Plan) than read about gay marriage one more time.

I realized while doing this report that nothing really applied to me, and despite being a Liberal (Anarchist) and having a homosexual sister, I burnt myself out. I burnt myself out on homosexuality. Apparently 70 million Christians believe that you choose to be a homosexual, and that your SEXUAL ORIENTATION can be swayed through prayer. God views homosexuality as being a dramatic sin. So dramatic in fact, that he does not love you. To anyone gay out there: The conservative Christians called, and they wanted to tell you that YOUR GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

The almighty and all loving, all forgiving God can love the most masochistic, narcissistic, sadistic, racist, Nascar loving motherfucker on the planet (America), but he cannot love you because you are gay. Because of your predetermined sexual preference, you are not loved by the most loving person in all of existence.

That makes me want to kill something. Gears of War 2 can't even cool that burn. This is why I am a hateful person. Because people, probably on my fucking street, believe in that bullshit. Are they not open to the concept that God changes along with the world? We are no longer the primitive sons of bitches we used to be when Christianity started, whenever the only people who could READ OR WRITE were PRIESTS, BISHOPS, and THE FUCKING POPE.

Fuck you and your burning bush. God damn it.

I love Microsoft Zune.

When faced with the decision of which MP3 player to purchase, what do most people think of? Whatever it is you just said, if it isn't "an iPod" you're FUCKING WRONG. Long ago, I wanted an MP3 player. I chose a Zen from Creative Labs. I then realized that my default syncing program was Windows Media Player. It occurred to me later in like that, Hey, I am better than Windows Media Player, and I need to upgrade.

An upgrade came on my birthday, a mere seven or eight months ago (Math is to conform), and it took me quite some time to come to a decision as of what to buy. I had looked around for weeks, narrowing down my options. I wanted one that would provide me with a software program, and the obvious choice was an iPod.

But why? I had been in the Apple store in Louisville, and I had seen the people in there, and the people who worked there. Let me tell you, they were tools. Figuratively, Apple is a huge cock. It's so big, that every Apple employee around the world can suck on this figurative cock. I weighed my options, and I thought to myself," Would I want to be employed by Apple?"

This took me a while to answer. I never had struggled with my sexual orientation until now, and during this time I had been single for quite some time. However, I had never been attracted to the same sex, so surely I was not a homosexual, and therefore I surely could not suck a cock.

On my birthday, I was able to enjoy my 80gb Zune. The software was so incredible that I had to upgrade to a better computer to handle all the awesome. I pay 14.99 a month to get whatever music I want. I feel as though I have made a several thousand dollar profit with this, and I remain legal and remain a small risk to the FBI. Also, when you think of a Microsoft Zune user, what do you think of?

Someone cool, right? Right.

Also, when you think of a Apple iPod user, what do you think of?

Someone less cool, right? Right.

I don't know; You do the math. I really can't argue with myself here. I have had problems with Microsoft as a whole, but the Zune is always flawless for me. If someone walked up to me and said," Would you like a free iPod?" I would say," Yes."

But if someone walked up to me and said," Would you like a free Zune?" I would say," No thanks, I already have one. You shouldn't give away such great products for free, you twat."

I don't know; You do the math.

So awesome that it covers up my entire face.

I don't care how fucking American fried chicken is.

Yesterday I attended a funeral, and following the sermon I left to eat an early dinner at a Church. I sat around drinking coffee and talking to some relatives and friends of the newly deceased man, and whenever the family returned from the burial site, the Pastor that was present ( who was Baptist), promptly blessed the food, saying that it should," Give us strength to move on from this grief," whenever he stated earlier that the only way to overcome this loss was through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and not through fried fucking chicken.

Now, at the time I didn't think twice about this. I'm a very, very big fan of blessed food, as more often than not it is free, and above average in the tastefulness property. I feasted, and so did many others. I went to bed that night with a spinning head, faded vision, and vomit lingering in my throat. I honestly thought that I was going to hurl.

I was also exhausted, as the day took a whole lot out of me. I slept unsoundly, sometimes waking up and feeling even more sick. It's 8pm now, and I still feel as shitty as ever, and my dad is playing the same goddamn Elvis Costello songs again and again. It's been months and he still has not realized that Elvis Costello & The Attractions are the only thing worth listening to.

I am not sure how I am going to recover from this, but the air feels exceptionally hot, and my stomach keeps growing weaker and weaker. Why would God lash out upon me like this? Why would blessed food make me, a devout Agnostic, so weak? Is the Christian God so loving that he plagued me with such a burden?

I went to the funeral yesterday out of the kindness of my heart, and I feel that my presence was very appreciated. I deserved that food, blessed or not. So, God, if you're up there...Thanks for being a heartless bastard.

I don't just steal USB drives.

I steal Evangelical Christian USB Drives.

As I said earlier, I am active in my school's drama department. Which means I'm an actor, and not a goddamn rumor-spreading cunt. I spend a whole lot of time in the auditorium texting and sleeping in between the aisles. I'm a very talented actor, but with a class like that you're expected to have a lot of down time, and I literally have a lot of time where I am down on the ground. Asleep.

Amidst one of my naps I found a PNY 1Gb USB drive. And since I'm using this blog to primarily review things and tell about experiences in my life, I felt like this piece of shit needed to be talked about. I'm generally a nice person, and if I felt that the person who previously owned the USB drive needed it to be returned, I would have returned it to them. So, I check their files to see who it is.

The owner of the USB drive was a boy named Christian, and he was a fucking tool. On the drive I found various essay he had wrote where he cited God as his source, and often times quoted the bible to back up his claims. He also had a bible reading guide, which was ridiculous. Currently I am researching and studying homosexuality for a discussion I have to partake in for my English class, so I decided to read his essay seeing as how it was from the point of view of an Evangelical Christian boy.

It was trash. Complete trash. Obviously "Christian" has been corrupted by his faith, or was a douchebag Catholic. I was in dire need of a USB drive, so I just left his bullshit on there and began using it for my own. In the event that I would come face to face with Christian, I told myself that I would no doubt return his USB drive to him, but under no other circumstances would I return it.

I began using the USB drive on my laptop (which I will talk extensively about at a later date) and grew bored. Citing articles for research isn't my favorite thing to do, albeit I am quote proficient at it. So, I fell asleep. During this slumber I stretched out past the USB drive, and it ended up under my thigh. The shit plastic cracked under my weight ( I barely weight 115 pounds. I'm skinny.) and now the USB is crooked. I have to push it upwards for my PC to recognize it, and it's the same case for the bullshit HP computers at my school, which are undoubtfully the worst HP products I have ever used.

The name of the USB is "SWEET MEAT" which makes me think of a phallus dipped in honey, and as such gives me prolonged graphic mental images each and every time I plug it in. I put several hours of research and time into several specific files, and saved them on this SWEET MEAT USB drive.

I took these files into school to get my shit printed off, and it messed up. So, I had to take my information to dear Mrs. Compton, who I am good friends with and respect, unlike many other students. I was beyond embarassed to tell her the name of the USB drive, and explained to her that I was looking to return it to it's rightful owner. To make the story short, she probably thinks I'm a weirdo Christian boy, and that my nickname is SWEET MEAT because of all the head I get. Which is entirely untrue. If I was even remotely sexually active, I would not be writing this right now. Trust me.

I was unable to partake in the discussion today because of this piece of shit USB drive, and because of the technical difficulties that come along with Microsoft Office and their inability to install a converted with the program. So now I have to go a speech by myself in front of the class.

So, Christian, why don't you go fuck yourself and buy a man's USB.

The Unborn Sucks.

Tonight my date forced me to see The Unborn. I say forced because I feel I am too superior of a person to watch such an immature and feeble movie. I have more faith in the girl I'm dating than to pick such an awful movie, so of course I know she did it to hear me complain. She says it's cute.

Whatever.

This movie began, and I thought I had missed a part of it. It just started. It took me in by the balls, and forced me to assume things that were incorrect because I am far too intelligent to watch this movie. The lead actor in this movie, Odette Yustman, is such a phenomenal actor that she doesn't have an image on IMDb.

There were many shots early on of her in her panties, and it was like they wanted you to think you had paid six dollars for a video of Camel Toe Weekly, but unfortunately this wasn't the case. Since this is very early on in my blogging career, I'll take this moment to tell you that I'm active in my school's theatre, and I feel that I am a slightly above average actor, and a natural at improvisation. So when I feel that an actor isn't better than myself, I pity them.

I pity Odette Yustman. If she didn't have a rocking body then I wouldn't care for her at all. In fact, neither would America. But hey, I was there with a date. A girl I'm very interested in. If I were alone, I would not have chose to see this movie in the first place. But I was there with someone I was attracted to. I did not need Odette Yustman, and therefore her softcore nudity did nothing for me. Nothing at all.

I generally consider myself to be a stoic person, and as such I rarely am frightened or startled by a movie. I kept making sure not to jump, because I wanted to be a badass and impress my date, but in all honesty I never did need to. The scares were predictable and fake. Very fake. High School theatre class fake. The movie had holocaust undertones that were completely unnecessary and cliche, while giving some insight as to why the main character was Jewish.

I thought a Jewish exorcism would have been badass, but I was disappointed. I'm not sure how uncommon it is to be more interested in looking at your date's face as opposed to a high-budget blockbuster movie, but everyone else seemed to be enjoying it.

Bottom line is that this movie was garbage. It did not make me convey a single emotion (other than pity), and the whole time I was complaining and enjoying the numbness of my ass. When seeing a movie in the theater, the experience is often very beneficial to how much of a movie appeals to me, as was the case with the film Quarantine. But...whenever the experience of being at the theater is the ONLY thing appealing about a film...it just doesn't deserve to be called a film.

Oh, and both black characters die. RACISM.

I am vulgar.

I've been writing on the internet for quite some time. I've tried my fair share of articles and reviews, and almost every single one has been denied. Why is this, you might ask? Simply put, I am not a nice, loving person. When it comes to my motivation for writing, it is usually to relax, or to bash the fuck out of a specific product. When choosing to review something, I never really care to tell someone how good it is, because if something truly is amazing, then people will find out. I have tried several times to warn consumers about the quality of the shitty products they might buy, but each time I have been denied.

And this makes me angry. In this blog, you will find many rants. You will find many reviews of movies, video games, books, and music. At this point in time I won't be taking requests, and will instead be casually talking about things that I am currently interested in. Thankfully, I am currently dating a girl who likes to drag me to horrendously bad movies, so a glimpse of my hatred will be experienced weekly at a minimum.

Don't expect orthodoxy. This will be anything but.